I'm in love with the idea of love.
For me, love is generative. It teaches me more about the world and myself. It's an opportunity to admire people and things in their full glory, without expecting them to serve me. It disarms insecurity, and at its most powerful, it affirms the fact that life is worth living.
On the flip side, being the type of person who would rather heal in hell, it's challenging to open my heart in the wake of past heartbreaks. It wasn't until the beginning of the pandemic when I fell down the rabbit hole that is Mariah Carey's discography, that I rediscovered the power of love.
When the pandemic hit, I didn't realize how much pain I was carrying in my spirit. The week everything shut down was the same week I decided to officially detach myself from my emotionally abusive mother, the same week I accepted that I would never fill the void my absent parents left me with, and just so happened to be the same time I was falling into Mariah's discography.
What's beautiful about the universe, is that we're not always supposed to see the bigger picture. Oftentimes, seemingly isolated events are working in unison to help us become the person we're supposed to be.
Surrendering to the universe means trusting that we're on the right path especially when things are feeling uncertain.
"Love Takes Time" was the song that started my healing journey. At the time, it helped me navigate the guilt I was feeling for making the decision to cut off my mother. "Without You", "Whenever You Call", and "Anytime You Need A Friend" also helped me accept my situation for what it was.
Emancipation Era
By summertime, the universe was really testing my boundaries. While I had made the decision to cut my mother off in my head, my mother still doesn't know I cut her off.
Condescendingly, the universe put me in the same room with that woman in two different instances. The cumulative four hours I spent with her over the summer further affirmed my need to emancipate myself from her grip.
This was when I met The Emancipation of Mimi. I was truly having a "Shake It Off" moment trying to detach myself from that woman. I've never had the words to fully describe the type of heartache she brings into my life, yet suddenly the pain reflected in this album was starting to resonate deeply.
Part of what makes TEOM so good is that it holds the tension between being consumed bullshit you’re trying to escape, and loving yourself enough to say you deserve better.
Choosing to cultivate an environment where she could not disturb my peace made me closer with myself and gave me a new perspective on what I deserve from my interpersonal relationships.
Spreading My Wings
When I moved back to campus for my last year of undergrad, I was so proud of myself for not giving my mother access to my spirit like I would have in the past. This was a reflection of my growth. However, I still didn’t know how to separate myself from the grief she stirs inside of me.
And then I met Butterfly.
Technically I had already discovered the album, I just never listened to all the singles together. I had a bit of resistance to the album because I thought “Fourth of July” was cheesy. The truth was, I was just bitter that I couldn't have my own “Fourth of July” moment. Then I saw that song was the perfect bridge between “The Roof” and “Breakdown” and my mind was BLOWN.
This is when I realized that I could live independently of the grief she stirs inside of me.
This album fuels my imagination. As a child, my imagination was the only way I could cope with the lack of emotional support extended to me. As an adult, my imagination is the tool that helps me envision a more supportive future. Until this point, I never really imagined a future for myself where I was worthy of receiving love.
I’m not sure what it feels like to completely surrender to love, but I hope it inspires me as much as this album has.
Butterfly came at such a pivotal point in Mariah’s career. She was exploring her sound, gearing up to leave her ex-husband, and stepping into her own independence. This album is a testament to her youthfulness, perseverance, and resilience.
My love affair with Butterfly happened at the same time I was looking to redefine myself outside of childhood trauma, recovering from heartbreak, and switching career fields. In many ways, it was a sign from the universe that I was ready to spread my wings and prepare to fly.
While this grief will always be part of my life, it only represents a smaller piece of the bigger picture. I’m placing this pain on a metaphorical bookshelf, where I can visit it whenever I want and it can live in a place that isn’t my spirit.
Entering My Butterfly Era
I’m currently calling this chapter of my life my Butterfly Era. I’m still young, I have time to explore my identities, time to grow into a better person, and will encounter new obstacles. I’m hopeful this chapter of my life will compliment my future.
As I reflect on my growth within the past four years, I would have never imagined I would grow into the person I am today. I often wish I could just hold younger versions of myself harboring so much pain. By stepping into this new chapter, I have faith that older versions of myself will be able to rest easier knowing I’m in a better place.
In this way, this experience has taught me that love is a journey. One that forces us to become better versions of ourselves, and one that doesn’t have to be confined between romantic partners, familial bonds, or platonic friendships.
Sometimes, love is just the relationship we have with objects, art, or our environment. No matter how love shows up, love should affirm who you are why you should be here.
When we feel loved, or share love with objects and people who affirm us, love gives us the opportunity to live as our most authentic selves.
I haven’t been this in love with anything in YEARS. This journey has healed me in ways I didn’t know I needed to be healed.
For that, I’ll be eternally grateful, and for now, I’ll continue to look for new ways to open my heart.
If you’ve made it this far, please appreciate the fact that was in the top 0.005% of Mariah’s listeners last year.